I don’t know if it happened because I became a mom, or maybe it was because I wasn’t really prepared to become a mom (in all honesty, the boys were not really planned.. Not that we are not happy with them and love them with everything we have) , or maybe because I wasn’t ‘there’ even before the pregnancy, or maybe it was because I left my friends, family and everything I knew behind when I was 2 months pregnant and moved to a different country, where I basically didn’t know anybody except for my boyfriend (who I knew for 2 months then. Yes, there, I said it. Now you know). And then we moved to another country (but not mine..) 2 years later, even further from my beloved Holland. But since I’ve become a mom, I have the feeling I am not me anymore. I was never the most confident person in the world, but I seem to have totally lost myself since the birth of the boys in 2010.
Don’t get the wrong idea: it’s not that I’m walking around crying all day, throwing my hands in the air while screaming “Why?!” from the top of my lungs, I’m still (mostly) happy, I can still laugh about silly things, I still enjoy good books, but the kids come first. First first. Not even any doubt about the ‘first’. Even when they are in bed, they are still ‘first’ in my thoughts. And second, a very close second, is the boyfriend. And then, there is almost nothing left. But then it’s me. The last one.
Because of this, I have a hard time doing things for myself. It might also have something to do with that I stopped working when the boys were born. I have a hard time seeing my place in this world and giving myself any value nowadays. Which is a shame, which is not worth it and I should work on it, I know. That’s what I’ve been doing for the last year or so. I’m trying to be happier, I’m trying to see the value of what I do, and also – I’m trying to find work that can be combined with our family life. Not full time, just for a few hours a week. To hopefully get out a little and build up a little life next to the life I have with my family. Hopefully I will find some friends there, make a little money that I don’t have to feel guilty about spending and hopefully that will help me build some confidence. Hopefully. Let’s see what happens..